Lawns and GOD

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the

world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to

the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had

a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any

type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The

nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey

bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of

colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The

Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went

to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't

attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's

temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want

all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it

and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing

grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow

really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,

they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in

bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it

away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will

grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it

away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut

back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and

saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass

stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more

money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid

of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a

sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees

grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In

the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural

blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.

Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the

soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have

drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake

them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the

winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy

something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it

around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the

mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,

you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us

tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie

about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.